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Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke? No. Do you eat too much? No. Do you go to bed late? No. Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No. Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?read more
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.read more
Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”read more
Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new Iphone already? Son, do you know that there is a foster home down by the crossroads?read more
Women call me ugly occasionally. But that's only until they hear how much I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.read more
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?" Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.read more
The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?” The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”read more
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”…read more
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion. God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will...read more
We've been trying to solve this drunk driving problem for years, and there's an obvious solution: legalize marijuana. I just think it's safer than alcohol. I'd rather be stoned driving a car than drunk 'cause when you're stoned, you think every car's a cop.read more