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We can't all be heroes... like, if there was a fire, and I had three kids in there, I don't know which one I would save. You can't save them all; somebody's feelings are definitely going to be hurt. And what if you save the kid that started the fire? Now you're living...read more
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'read more
My laptop has been acting kind of buggy lately. I was working on it, and this thing popped up. It said: 'Windows encountered a critical flaw. Would you like to send an error report back to Microsoft?' And I clicked 'don't send' 'cause I ain't no f**king snitch.read more
A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor...read more
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain". This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left...read more
The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a...read more
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction...read more
A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by...read more
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window. The...read more
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: It was the chicken's day off.read more